Home > General rants > Veganism and Vagisil: Why They Go Together

Veganism and Vagisil: Why They Go Together

Let me start off by saying that I do not hate vegetarians. I don’t. Really, I despise them!

Even though there is a literal mountain of evidence supporting the fact that they are complete buffoons and morons, still they persist in trying to shove their supposed moral high ground down the throats of meat-eating ass kickers, such as myself.

I figured today I would give a logical breakdown of why Vegans are not only stupid, but pussies.

This article is not aimed at women. Everybody knows that women are overly emotional and think that their little yipper, ankle biting poodles are their kids to be put in sweaters and toted in purses. So women- don’t even bother commenting. Your opinions are not wanted on this article. Nobody would take what you had to say on the subject seriously anyways.

No, this article is targeting men. Especially the men that actually buy into this Vegan way of life.

First lets do the logical breakdown. Men can usually follow that. Are you ready? Good!

= FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Here is the mathematical formula:

Steak+Stomach=Full

Steak+Broccoli+Stomach=Full

Steak+Other meats=Full

Vegetables-Steak=Not Full

Man+Steak+Beer=Ass Kicker

Man+Vegetables-Steak=Pussy

You can check my carefully constructed calculations all you want, but you will find they always come out to be the same answers. Let me break down why that is.

Below is a video of Robb Wolf, a very accomplished writer, speaker, and scientist. You will see him kill an elk with a primitive weapon resembling a spear called an Atlatl while dressed in cave man attire.  Perhaps the first man in thousands of years to do so.

Watching this video made me want to do these things in this order,

Why, you ask? Because it reminded me what I am. A FUCKING MAN!!! Real men eat vegetables- no doubt about it. They eat lettuce on their burger, mushrooms on their steaks, tomato in their beef stew. Real men do not EAT VEGETABLES as their primary source of nourishment, ever!

Men have forgotten what they are. Too many men have let women’s pathetic animal worshiping cults like PETA convince them to stop being what they have always been, ANIMAL ASSASSINS!

That’s right, I said it. Be what you were made to be. Men love killing animals. They think it is awesome.  You know what else? They are right. If animals were worth anything more than a piece of meat on my fucking plate, they would have invented gunpowder, not the other way around.

Men have been assassinating and eating the flesh of animals since the dawn of time.  What happened after Robb killed the elk? A BIG PARTY! Why, you ask? Because the men were happy in their recent exploits to assassinate an Elk that dared to think it was superior. That’s right, superior. Did you see the size of that Elk gang, prancing around in the field and ravaging the countryside? The men of the group knew on instinct that these 500 pound land destroying monsters had to be stopped. One hero, half the size of even one of these leviathans bravely faced down hundreds of them, and with the manliest of manly throws took down one of these knife horned beasts! After he skillfully assassinated the behemoth he pulled out a sharpened rock, cut the damned thing open and ate its heart as a warning to all the other Elk in the region that their reign of terror was over. So manly was h,e in fact, that he even shared the meat with the women of the group- in return for no sex! Something I certainly could never do.

Sadly though, one of the women (obviously a part of the previously mentioned animal worshiping cults) refused even one bite of the meat. If only it was a real caveman experiment I’m sure the men of the group would have clubbed her, fucked her, and ate her share anyway. Maybe even ate her.

That is what men do. They kick ass! They don’t take shit! They eat meat. I don’t need science to tell me eating meat is good for me. I know it already. I had Fred Flintstone telling me all about it when I was a kid. Anybody remember Fred Flintstone? He was the manliest of men who ever lived. Let’s see what his dinner looked like.

Fred had it all. A hot skinny wife, a beautiful daughter, a good job, and a pro bowling team. You didn’t see Fred eating giant prehistoric plants did you? No way buddy! Meat all the way.

In closing Vegan males are all pussies. To prove this I am issuing the $250 dollar challenge. If there are any men in the Michigan area who have been on a vegetarian diet for ten years or longer, I will meet you in a professional cage fight. If you win I will give you $250 dollars and an apology. Hopefully you will be strong enough to hold  open the door to the arena. By the way, I never work out and I am about 175 pounds. I promise you my manliness will destroy you long before my fists even touch your weak Vegan face.

Put your money where your mouths are, you weak Vegan sissy boys. I am waiting. If not, then just shut up about your morally superior lifestyle. I promise I will beat it right out of you! Because my balls are as big as the DEATHSTAR! You, on the other hand, complain and whine if Bambi gets shot in the head, take vitamins to offset the the lack of meat, and have sex with women who have armpit hair. All of these things make me question if you even have testicles.  I really hope somebody contacts me soon. I reallllly want to kick some vegan ass!

  1. anonymous ninja
    October 12, 2011 at 3:52 am

    Someone had to put an end to elk fascism once and for all!

  2. October 12, 2011 at 4:08 am

    Like I always say, I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain just to eat what food eats!

    • January 25, 2013 at 4:31 pm

      Flick, you are SO RIGHT! Ms. Belk,Please accept our most humlbe apology for our abrasive and unpleasant reply to your comment, but we didn’t realize you were talking about the town as a whole and misconstrued it as an attack on NOFOG. Honestly, we couldn’t agree with you more! You GO GIRL!!!

  3. October 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Great stuff

  4. Ewan MacGregor
    October 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Wow, I’m on a paleo diet and I think you’re an idiot. Preaching to the choir is supposed to be easy, when they shake their heads you might wonder whether you’re actually just retarded.

  5. Unrighteousfury
    October 14, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    I’m sorry i don’t recall mentioning Paleo anything. I don’t understand how your diet+my article=me being an idiot? Do you care to elaborate? While your doing that, email me your name and address. That way I can send you pair of pig testicles. Since you don’t have any of your own, you can tape these just under your penis and pretend they are yours. If you pretend hard enough one day you might want to grow a pair of your own as well.

    Unless of course you are a woman. It is difficult to tell with such a Metrosexual name like Ewan. In that case you should probably have stopped at the [This article is not aimed at women portion] which explained in detail that I don’t give a shit about your opinion on the subject and neither does anybody else.

    Good day.

  6. Anonymous
    October 20, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Wow, I think it’s great someone called you an idiot. I believe the person referred to the Paleo diet because you have a video of Robb Wolf to help you make your retarded case. Although I agree that we need to eat meat, the reason as to why you want to eat meat is plain idiotic. Your entire case is that your not a MAN if you don’t eat meat. WTF does eating meat as part of a balanced diet have to do with being a real man. Maybe if you backed this up with a little scientific info people wouldn’t think your such an idiot. Just an asshole. Yes we do need to eat meat but, we do not have to brutalize animals in the process. Part of being a man is showing compassion for other living things. Being a man has nothing to do with sports and drinking. A real man provides for his family and takes care of things knowing he’s teaching his kids values. If everything was Kosher than I think you would have more meat eaters. If you look at it from a biblical view we were designed to be able to eat meat but we did not have to in order to survive. It was not until later that God gave us all living animals. It was made clear to us how to prepare this food. Our problem is not that meat is good or bad. It’s that we don’t prepare meat properly anymore, we fill it with hormones and brutalize the animals in the process. This turns off a lot of people…

  7. Unrighteousfury
    October 21, 2011 at 12:06 am

    Well hello anonymous! You’re so right! I should have used scientific fact in my obviously satirical article.

    Here is some scientific fact for you. It is my own mathematical equation I am sure you will like it.

    You say= “If you look at it from a biblical view we were designed to be able to eat meat but we did not have to in order to survive. It was not until later that God gave us all living animals.”

    The bible says= Genesis 24 “And God said, ‘Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.”

    Then

    Genesis 27 “So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.”

    Since 24 always comes before 27 I must assume therefore that

    You say+The bible says= You are an idiot!

    Here is some more mind bending science for you to ponder,

    You say=Being a man has nothing to do with sports and drinking.

    My article says=Nothing about sports or drinking

    So again my conclusion comes out to,

    you say+my article says=You are an idiot!

    we also have this precious gem to support my calculations

    You say=Yes we do need to eat meat but, we do not have to brutalize animals in the process.

    My article says= Nothing about brutalizing animals.

    So again my conclusion ends up being the same

    you say+my article says=You are an idiot!

    Scientific conclusion,

    You are most likely a moron. Based on my totally repeatable and therefore scientific experiment, the calculations support 100% that subject anonymous is an idiot.

    Hopefully in the future, subject anonymous will actually read what an article says rather than pretend what it has to say to support subjects unmanly and therefore wrong views.

    Have a nice day!

    • September 22, 2013 at 10:08 pm

      For me this is a relatively easy qutiseon, but has a pretty complex answer. The specialty I have actually looked forward to working with is OB/GYN. I find that the ability of a woman\’s body to produce a child, endure the amount of abuse it takes during a pregnancy, and the amount of pain endured during delivery is amazing. The joy of being able to be present as life enters the world is truly one of the greatest moments in life. To me that would be the best possible option. I also would love working in the operating room with a surgeon. I have experienced the OR quite a few times, and have been on both sides of the table. I have to say I would love to work with any surgeon in the OR except for Orthopedics. The reason behind that is the surgery\’s are pretty brutal when it comes to the skeletal system. Having been in the OR with an Orthopedic surgeon and seeing the use of the saws, hammers and other heavy equipment in order to perform the surgery just sends chills up my spine. I know that type of surgery is not for me. I think my favorite surgeries have to be that of the abdominal cavity. The specialties that I would least like to work for are few, and for simple reasons. Pediatrics is not a specialty for me since I have four children of my own. My Aunt is a neonatal nurse practitioner and I followed her in high school and saw the good, the bad, and the ugly so I can honestly say I could not emotionally handle that type of position. Podiatry is also an area I could not see myself working. The reason behind this is pretty silly, but here goes, I very much dislike other peoples feet especially if they are not well kept. I know in the medical field you will encounter feet on a daily basis, but I could not mainly work with feet on an everyday basis. My last specialty is Orthopedics for the reasons I noted above about the barbaric nature of the surgeries and treatments for the musculoskeletal system. Its just not for me.

    • October 18, 2013 at 1:15 pm

      Wow, I think you will be a great OB. It seems like you have a real love for children, fameliis, and people in general. Sad to say that those qualities are rare traits in todays world. I believe not just anyone should be in just any job because you could be in a job that you hate and end up making everyone who comes in contact with you at work miserable. You have the joy and care to be great at your job and effect those you will be working around not only by your knowledge , but by your love for what you do.

  8. anonymous ninja
    October 26, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Some really sensitive, humorless people got pretty mad there! It’s funny. Relax, people!

  9. Anonymous
    December 10, 2011 at 3:37 am

    haha, loved this (and I AM actually a woman :-))

  10. April 18, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    Dude… you are my hero! lol

  1. October 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: