Home > General rants > Twilight is Fucking Gay!

Twilight is Fucking Gay!

I have some serious questions about this “Twilight” thing. Who gave this bitch Stephanie whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is the right to change vampire lore  [which is awesome and didn’t need help] into these little emo faggots? The only thing these guys terrorize is Hot Topic, and skinny jean retailers across the country! She didn’t just fuck with vampires, she fucked with werewolves too! What the hell is wrong with this bitch?

1. How come vampires no longer melt in the sunlight? Now they…

Sparkle!

Why? What the fuck is the point of this? Is that supposed to be fairy dust or something? [that is the only explanation I have for it] Does sprinkling this vampire fairy dust on people also make them into gay vampires? How come when they go in the sunlight they don’t just become rainbow striped? Do women really like this shit? No wonder you couldn’t vote!

2. According to twilight lore this asshole above is over a hundred years old! What the fuck could he possibly have in common with a 17 year old girl? He is either the dullest motherfucker on earth, or a PEDOPHILE! Probably both.

I mean, really? This guy was born in 1901 in Chicago! The guy grew up in gangster society! He would probably be racist as fuck, and sexist as hell. The first time this Bella broad said “No Edward, I want to see this movie,” His born in 1901 ass would backhand her across the mouth and say something like “NA! SEEEE! We’re gonna watch what I want to watch, SEEE! No more lip outta you or ol’ knuckles here willl smack ya again, SEEEEE!”

To make matters worse, this Stephanie broad went and made werewolves- who are also cool as hell [mainly because that’s the one role Jack Nicholson played that Heath Ledger never would have been able to] into gay Indian trailer trash that have never heard of the word shirt!

Ya a pack of reservation Indians..notice anything missing?

If you said a bartender, you are right! In realty these “Werewolves” would be too busy spending their government checks at the local bar, getting shit faced drunk, and beating their women to ever have a war with vampires! Either that, or they would be too busy sitting in their condos counting their money they made off of their casino to even worry about it! These don’t really look like the “Casino owning type” of Indian though wouldn’t you agree?

The other big problem here is that these “Werewolves” don’t even turn into werewolves. They turn into giant wolves. What the fuck? It is probably the most unoriginal thing I have ever heard of in my life! This is what a werewolf looks like!

Go Go Gadget Scary!

Not this pile of shit!

Run away vampires, or else!

I think they needed to have four legs so they could run to the bar faster! Or maybe to run from the cops quicker? You decide.

Another interesting plot point to these go-in-a-christmas-stocking puppy “werewolves” is the fact that they all have different colored fur….yet they all have the same human hair. You know the kind of hair I mean, the mix between Mexican grease ball, Italian, and wifebeater-wearer. Just look at the picture.

Of course I know where this broad who wrote these books got the idea. I have seen it before. Somebody who was an actual writer made these creatures up long ago in an actual epic called “The Lord of the Rings.”

They are called Wargs! Hell of a lot scarier than twilight "Werewolves" too, aren't they?

Typical women, ripping off a man’s brilliant idea and then repackaging it as dog shit that smells nice to other women!

Then we have the main character, who is obviously a fucking idiot.

I'm so confused.

This chick has serious problems. On the one hand she can’t seem to decide if she is into bestiality, and red rockets! Or, if she wants to screw a dude who’s dick feels like it was soaked in ice cubes……the choices the choices?

She is a pathological liar. She lies to her father and mother about everything, lies to one of the monsters she is in “love” with about the other, and she cheats on them with each other!

She has no reasoning skills at all! She has trouble deciding if she wants to spend the rest of her life as an undead, blood-sucking parasite living with other parasites who murder people and eat them as a rule; or she can do the dirty with a giant dog, and live the rest of her life on an Indian reservation with a bunch of shirtless thugs! Of course she could just be with a normal human being….I guess in today’s world though, women need more than that!

They need to fuck giant dogs, and suck corpse cock to get a thrill, I guess.

To all teenage women that like this shit…THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU! The only thing worse than a teenage girl who likes Twilight is SATAN! That is a scientific fact.

So the rules have changed, people. We can now take Lore everybody has known their whole lives and change it to whatever the fuck we want! I for one think we should make a Leprechaun-Unicorn hybrid, and call it a UNICHAUN! It can run around spear horning people at the end of the fucking rainbow who come after it’s gold! If you are lucky enough to catch a Unichaun, instead of a pot of gold you will get a steaming pile of Unichaun shit! Don’t worry, it will smell nice so you can sell it to hapless, female, teenage idiots and make money. A Unichaun’s only weakness is a straight man, who thinks that vampires that sparkle are gay!

If somebody can send me a decent drawing of a Unichaun I would love to post it up here. Who knows maybe you can take the idea and sell it. Obviously these people will buy anything.

!
  1. Sepora
    January 14, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    I love your article and agree with you one hundred percent! I really think the author should get sued for taking classic lore (which by the way is AWESOME) and turn it into crap like the Twilight series. Oh, and you missed one major detail. Werewolves are only supposed to transform at the full moon, and when they do they pose a threat to people nearby. But no, a certain author had to change all that and make them be able to change at will. What was that all about?

    Oh and by the way, a Unicaun should look sort of like a centaur, with a unicorn’s body and a leprechaun’s head+shoulders (and that large horn for people who like reading the Twilight series)

  2. January 14, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Holy mother of god! I did miss that detail. What about the whole Werewolf telepathy with the pack thing? I missed that too. What the fuck is up with that?

  3. Daphne56875
    March 23, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    I love this Twilight is fucking shit!They killed the normal vampires !
    Now this shit is good twilight hmm dont have anything against it that is just bunch of retards running around you know like football they run around for 2 hours no one wins but then 1000000000 of their fans just tell you that you dont understand
    and Now i am scared of apples i mean really the first movie it was like apple falls edward kicks it back with his god know where i stepped with shoe to bella and she is like oh tnabk you its like teletabes for kids vampires dont sparkle i like to draw actors that are in twilight but books……….yuck this is how it goes
    Bella Swan slutty clumsy ugly pale bitch obssesive
    Edward Cullen gay and that is obvious sparkly ass vampire
    And Jacob Black furry mutated animal is it chiuaha is it a wolf and this love triangle thing with edward that is necrophila and pedhopiliha and im pretty sure that this shits are illegal and with Jacob that is fucking an animal so animal abuse nice to see there are some normal people oh Buffy Blade Alucard please somebody kill Eddie and spare us
    from 4 lame excuses for books and 5 films that you want to throw up from watching
    fans are pain in the ass and really 109 old virgin? I mean like WTF?
    I mean seriously I just told my friend that Robert is in film and that Edward is fictonal character and she started crying and yelling at me for insulting
    her Eddie and started kissing a poster of him shudder really?
    Film and books are good but really?
    I mean they are hot youth powerfull everlasting and they choose to go to high school forever what is wrong with them?
    Its like Disney version of Underworld.
    And according to Twilight stalkers are romantic.
    God if that is what happens when you die I hope that I will live a long time I mean he died in Harry Poter and then got up from dead as sparkly vampire that is just wrong.
    And yes how to annoy Edward buy him a dog and name it Jacob or tell him about Jacob and Nessie in the shower that works too or better yet think about it because he cant stick his mind out of others
    I seriously have to ask Light from death note for a favor because there is a S.M. picture on the internet right?Do it Light and you will make a lot of us happy
    And I still think that Wednesday Addams is more expresive than Bella and defiantely is more vampire than Edward
    And this Edward Bella love story I am sure that salt and pepper have better love story than them
    This morning my friend called me to tell me about Twilight and asked me come with her to watch that shit my response was
    I think that watching grass grow is far more intersting then twilight

  4. Daphne56875
    March 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    And you are right this bitch Stephanie she did not even read about vampires before she wrote Twilight!I heard that they used real baby in Breaking Dawn and covered in jam and shit for Edward to hold it!Poor kid!And yes Bella fucked with dead guy necrophila and they had a baby mutant I mean the guy is old 109 years and he doesnt know about condoms!
    And how the hell did bitch got pregnant in the firs place his dick is frozen!

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