Home > General rants > What the fuck happened to our cartoons?

What the fuck happened to our cartoons?

When I was growing up cartoons kicked ass! Violence, terrorism, superpowers, thwarting evil, these were just some of the kick ass things that used to be in the awesome cartoons I grew up with.

Now, sadly I see the shit my kids watch and want to puke. Not only are the old cartoons coming back in shitty remakes, but now villains have back stories and heroes try to psycho-analyze them.

Cartoon villains don’t need elaborate FUCKING BACK-STORIES! They have one job and one job only- that is to set up elaborate, easily escapable traps , while revealing their plot to a hero, as they are intermittently laughing hysterically.

Take a look at this:

I am Lion-o leader of the Thundercats.

That’s right the Thundercats,  these human-feline things would roll around Thundara and kick the holy shit out of a dude named Mumm-ra! Sure the animation was choppy and the lip syncing wasn’t perfect, but when Lion-o called out to the Thundercats with the Sword of Omens, followed by a made up on the spot theme song that stated emphatically that Thundercats were on the loose, something was gonna get fucked up.

What’s unbelievable is that they remade this amazingly shitty cartoon, with something even shittier:

Meet the new Lion-o, leader of the thunderfags.

That’s right, A brand new Lion-O to bring the Thundercats into the 21st century. New Lion-O comes with a punk rock hair-do, gnarly sideburns, and an emo attitude that is sure to get your already pot smoking kids to cut themselves as a form of expression in no time.

New Thundercats is less about the Mumm-ra ass-whipping, and more about poor gay Lion-O up there who recently lost his old man [who was  bigoted against the lizard people who are just misunderstood] and his self discovery on his journey to do stuff.

Along the way he is constantly making crappy decisions which are backed up by a jealous brother, and some broad with a nice rack! Way to go Emo-lion-O, I will be sure to have my kids watch all of your bad decision making episodes!

This is isn’t the first time something as cheesily awesome as Thundercats got fucked up! They replaced Voltron with Power Rangers, which is such an abortion it needs it’s own page.

Lets look at some cartoons we all knew were stupid when they were on but watched anyways because we didn’t have cable, and I will show what kind of remakes we should have.

1.

This show sucked so bad when I was a kid I remember turning it to the OJ Simpson trial to avoid watching it.

Lets replace it with,

Evil demon, Satin worshiping Smurfs. Who sold their souls to the devil for the power to kill Gargamel!

2.

Dashing and daring, courageous and caring. We all remember these drunks who sprinkled crack into their beer and bounced around like a tweaker in a padded cell.

Lets replace it with,

"Stand in a circle and stare at a dead body, bears" This would be just as entertaining as the original, maybe even more so, since there would actually be a plot I could follow.

Stop taking the good cartoons and fucking them up. Take the shitty ones nobody cares about. That said, I will leave you with the finest 80’s cartoon intro of all time.

When your horse can turn into a man with hooves, bust out a laser gun and shoot somebody, you have my vote for awesome cartoon!

  1. Anonymous
    March 23, 2012 at 9:26 am

    You sir must be my alter ego, a finely explained article. But you forgot captain planet, but i will forgive you.

    • March 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

      I feel just awful. You are completely correct. I want you to know that I will torture myself today by watching 1 full episode of Rainbow Bright! I know, I know! It’s a little bit extreme. I feel it’s the catholic equivalent of three hail Mary’s. You have the floor. If you want to blast Captain Planet and the planetqueers to dust you are most welcome to on this site.

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