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Childrens Books I Am Working On

I am so sick and tired of the garbage that passes for children’s books these days. You know what I am talking about- bullshit books like “How Howie the Hog Got Over His Bad Mood.” Fuck you and your mood, Howie the Hog. You can eat my ass! When a little kid is in a bad mood every parent on the planet knows the appropriate response!

Works like a charm every time.

I decided that I am going to write my own book series about a kid named “Ass Kicker Jack.” Ass Kicker Jack has ass kicking parents that don’t turn poor Jack into a 21st century girly boy that crosses his legs in skinny jeans. No fucking way! Jack’s parents teach ol’ Jack how to not take shit from the establishment, and to handle his problems like a real man, not a little whiny bitch!

Book 1: “Ass Kicker Jack and the Bully.”

Jack doesn’t reason with bullies. Jack doesn’t tell his teachers about bullies. Jack doesn’t get a machine gun from his house and shoot up a school because he was bullied. Here is what Jack does to bullies:

This is how Jack handles bullies.

There needs to be more books about how to really handle the bully thing. I remember being bullied one day and telling my Dad, “Dad this mean kid at the bus stop keeps hitting me.” My Dad’s response was- “Well kick his fucking ass between his shoulders.” Yup, my Dad was cool.

Book 2: “Ass Kicker Jack Fucks His Teacher, and Doesn’t Tell Anybody.”

I get especially upset when I see stories of some 15 or 16 year old kid turning in their teacher after they have sex with them. These kids should be punched in the face. They aren’t traumatized! They don’t go home after getting a BJ from Mrs. Smith and cry into their pillow. Yet these poor women have to go to actual prison and face real rape, and real pain.

Well, Jack sees it the same way I do. He may bang the crap out of his hot ass 35 year old teacher, but he ain’t tellin’ nobody! He will show your little mistake how they can be a real man and not destroy some poor bimbo’s life for giving him the one thing that will actually let him focus on his math problems for at least fifteen minutes.

Book 3: “Ass Kicker Jack Gets an F and Deals With It”.

Jack got an F because he is an idiot.

See that? When you are a dumbass, you get F’s. All kinds of parents out there think their kids are too smart to get F’s, so it must be the teacher’s fault. Well Jack has news for you- one in two kids is a complete babbling moron who deserves the F. Seriously, if you can’t get through the material they teach at the grade school or even high school level and get an F, you probably deserve it.

In this book you can see the exciting adventure of Jack as he gets a big, fat, red, capital F on his paper and then goes home and owns up to it. Jack doesn’t blame his teachers, or his peers, or his hormones- only himself. Read all about his father’s epic “I am disappointed in you Jack, are you some kind of moron?” speech, while he tears poor Jack’s hide with a tongue lashing that almost leaves marks.

Book 4: “Ass Kicker Jack Beats the Crap Out of the Goth Kids.”

Jack says "No Columbine at my school, asshole!"

Read the compelling story of Jack at his most intolerant. Jack doesn’t understand kids that cut themselves, worship Satin, wear makeup, yet can’t hold their liquor. These qualities make Jack and his tight click of jock winners mad for reasons they have trouble articulating.

Jack and his friends will explore in this book the many ways these kids should be horribly beaten, trash canned, and generally slapped around. I know it may make some out there feel better to know that Jack ends up a gas station attendant while the goth kid goes on to write a computer program that makes him millions, but that isn’t what happens. The goth kid lands a job at hot topic where soon after he is committed for attempted suicide, even though he cut his wrists the wrong way on purpose as a “cry for help.” Jack, on the other hand, leads his football team to victory during the big game, and gets a sports contract. 20 years later he is still on Wheaties boxes and made a successful bid for Congress.

All books will be available for $100 us for hardcover [After all, I can charge what I want. Jack’s exploits are worth it.]  I guarantee after a few readings your son will know how to walk around not being a total pussy, and will burn all of his “Gregory the Gay Goat” books immediately.

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