Superheroes And The Un-manliness Of Police

Superheroes kick ass! No doubt about it.  For years, we have only had the awesomeness of these caped ass-kickers to keep men from becoming completely vaginized. I don’t think there is anybody out there who hasn’t dreamed at least once or twice about being a Superhero.

And here we have a real life group of people who are trying to become real superheroes. They call themselves the Rain City Superheroes- most notably this man, self described as Phoenix Jones.

This guy runs around his city and, from all reports, seems to kick serious ass! Recently Phoenix was arrested for breaking up what he considered a brawl. In truth though, I don’t really give a shit about any of that.

I don’t care if some asshole decides to put on a costume and kick the crap out of shitbags in the least. I don’t care if there are ten, twenty, thirty, or a hundred of them doing it. I don’t care if it is done for media attention, I don’t care if it is done because they didn’t take their happy pills this morning. What is interesting to me is what the police think of it. Now that is truly funny!

This is what a spokesman form the Seattle Police Department said about these superheroes.  You can read the whole article here:

http://abcnews.go.com/US/citizen-superhero-phoenix-jones-arrested-seattle/story?id=14704985&page=2

“We applaud their civic-mindedness and that they want to be involved. That’s all great. The problem and the concern that we have is that somebody is going to get hurt,” Jamieson said. “They don’t have the training. They don’t have the authority.”

When I read that my first response was to do this:

Let me translate that to cop talk: “You don’t know what the fuck you are doing! if you see a crime let us handle it.”

Anytime police officers go after vigilantes for doing police work better than they do it pisses me off. There is nothing wrong with vigilantism. I have no idea why people try to demonize it all the time. Our justice system is so fucked up it’s no wonder people are ordering costumes off the internet and dealing with the crime in their neighborhoods themselves.

Police always tell us to trust them to handle all of our problems, even though we all know most of them are total retards that I wouldn’t trust to carry the paper for a parking ticket, let alone a Glock 19 and the authority to arrest my neighbor.

Below you will find my fictitious, although extremely accurate police monthly training letter.

“Dear fellow police officer of the X County sheriff’s office. We would like to remind you again of the policies our department has for officers out on patrol doing a job which we tell everyone is extremely dangerous, but in truth we all know is statistically not dangerous.”

It seems this year’s hot issue is once again The Constitution.  Citizens all over the United States and in our very own district are exercising their so called “rights.” There are organizations right here in our own district telling private citizens to “exercise” their right to remain silent, and not “agree” to being “illegally” searched.

It is the department’s official stance that these people need to be reminded whenever they are encountered that we are GOD! Without us purposefully escalating situations to the point of ridiculousness these very same organizations and people would be at the mercy of the common street thug. While some of these organizations may make claims that they can protect themselves if this department would only back up their second amendment right, it is the department’s official stance that without the necessary three to four seminars and six weeks of rigorous police academy training, these lifelong hunters, shooters, and former military personnel do not have the necessary training to handle fire arms for the purpose of defense.

The department would like to remind all officers that your official role as crime fighter has been suspended until such time as the department can raise enough revenue through ticketing and fining, that the city can pay off  it’s enormous debt from the stripper party last quarter.

Please remind citizens that when they question our authority for any reason we will beat, maim, intimidate, extort, and trump up false charges to silence them. We also retain the right to be in bed with our district attorney. Just in case somebody actually complains about our many abuses, the District Attorney and internal affairs can quickly clear us of any wrong doing. 

Again, we would like to congratulate officer IQof80 for his excellent work last month. Not only did he raise over 27,000 dollars in ticket revenue, but he actually managed to stop a domestic violence incident by arresting both parties involved! Great work officer IQof80. If we had more officers like you, we could afford to hire even more officers like you.”

It should come as no surprise that officers are upset at this superhero movement. It makes them look really bad when real crime is so out of control that people actually support ridiculous organizations such as these Rain City Superheroes.

Is it really so hard to understand why, though? Look at the transformation process.

That is a much easier transformation to understand and get behind than this:

In closing Police officers have become untrustworthy. They act more like a gang than like the crime fighters we all expect them to be. I would much rather have some jack off in a costume on speed dial during a crime. He might get there faster than the typical 30 minute response time of your thugs [I mean boys] in blue….er black.

So send these guys an email, a donation, whatever you can. At least they still have some guts!

Oh, and I have suggestion for these superheroes: This is the way you fight crime, not with pepper spray and good intentions. Start doing this kind of thing, and I will send you $1 U.S currency, and maybe my respect- which is infinitely more valuable.