Winning the War In Afghanistan: I Could Do It In a Week

Let me just begin by saying I hate Allah! I mean I really hate Allah!  If Allah was really as great as his bearded, turban wearing, sand sucking, camel raping followers believed I would be smote before I finished this article…..nope,  hasn’t happened yet!

It hasn’t happened because Allah is a gay god! A total and complete sissy, girly, god! He has to be! Just look at how unmanly his followers are. When I think of Allah this is what comes to mind,

While most American men have somehow become so vaginized that they won’t say it out loud, this is how they really feel.  Do you know why? Because Allah’s countries are weak, his people are weak, and his religion is weak. In nature, weakness is rewarded with an ass kicking.

This is why so many countries full of manly men have been invading Allah’s countries and kicking his peoples asses for about a 1000 years . They know deep down inside, all politics aside, that you dress wearing, bearded gnomes need to get your asses kicked until one of two things happens:

1. You realize that you’re actually men and stop all your bullshit.

2. You all get completely eradicated.

These are your choices.  Don’t worry though, I am here to let you know some great tips on how you can be considered actual men by other real men in other countries.

1. Stop wearing dresses to keep yourselves cool. A real man just takes his shirt off. Real men don’t have time to be hot, or pick dresses out to keep them cool.

2. Put sports teams on your turbans. This would let other men around the world know that you and your friends get together for more than just a child rape every now and again.

3. Stop stoning women to death when they do stupid shit. Real men know that talking down to them in an insulting manner works much better. Why burn them at the stake when you can publicly shame them every day? You people are so stupid you sacrifice a lifetime of fun humiliating a stupid woman, for just one afternoon stoning her to death.

4. Pick a national language that doesn’t make you sound like you’re suffering from delirium after too much gay sex!

If you follow these simple steps you might get killed a lot less. I can’t guarantee it, but it is a step in the right direction.

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking. Afghans have fought off every empire that has ever invaded them. How can a country full of sissies do that? This actually ties in to my strategy of beating them in a week. The only reason the Afghans have managed to fight off every empire they ever fought against is because they were never invaded by these crazy assholes:

That’s right, the Japanese. These guys were so tired of being considered weak, girly men by the rest of the world that they decided to kick all of their asses at once! While the mud catfish in Afghanistan declared neutrality and hid under Allah’s skirts, these guys took out most of Asia, controlled the entire pacific ocean for a time, and reinvented guerrilla warfare. These tough little bastards were so committed to not looking like pussies it took two nuclear strikes to get them finally to surrender!

My plan is simple. Give all of the money we are wasting on the war effort to the Japanese defensive force. Tell them that after they conquer Afghanistan we will split the oil 50-50 with them. Then let the brown on yellow violence commence! I see you have your doubts. Let me tell you why this would work so well.

1. The Japanese would not worry about suicide bombers. They WERE THE ORIGINAL suicide bombers. If Afghans strap a bomb to their chest so will the Japanese.  If the Afghans set up road side bombs to kill Japanese soldiers, Japanese soldiers will set up road side bombs to kill Afghan Civilians. They will terrorize the terrorists.

2. The Japanese up until Sept.11 prided themselves on delivering the most preemptive war strike on American soil in history. The arrogant Afghan’s thought they could 1 up the Japanese. To Japanese honor, that is the equivalent of killing one of their wives. It must be answered by blood.

3. There would no longer be any more charges of rape in Afghanistan against occupying soldiers. Everybody who has ever watched a Japanese Anime knows that Japanese men are only interested in small white blonde women, with blue eyes, and huge boobs. I haven’t seen Afghan women that fit that bill.

4. The Japanese are not afraid of the Chinese. If the Afghans go crying to the Chinese for help, the Japanese would love to finish what they started in WW2 and invade that country as well. In that case the United States could finally free itself of the Chinese trade war freeing us up from trillions in debt and allow us to compete once again against Chinese sweat shops.

This is a good plan. It would take a bold leader with some guts to implement but I think we could do it. Join with me and together we will lobby congress to sign the “Put Pressure on the Japanese to go to War” Act.

The Bin Ladens won’t know what hit ’em!