Gay Marriage and Fucking Pigs, I Don’t Give a Shit Either Way

Well the gay marriage thing is back with a vengeance. Republican contenders for president are raging about keeping marriage pure to keep their base of conservative pretenders in line. The whole thing makes me want to drink ipecac and vomit spasmodically after eating chilly cheese dogs all over Santorum and Romney’s face!

Don’t get me wrong, I am no huge fan of the gay community and their stupid parades that shut down traffic so we can all watch nipple-pierced, balding, ass fuckers in tight leather carry boom boxes 80’s style on their shoulders with shitty club music playing. Or we are treated to lesbians who put a lie to every thing I learned watching pornos as a kid. Lesbians are supposed to be fucking hot blond bitches with big boobs  that seductively invite the pizza guy to be the baloney in the sandwich they are all about to make.  Instead we are treated to to women that make us think “I don’t think a fifth of Jack would keep ol’ winky awake trying to fuck her, she looks like a god damn out of shape marine.”

All of that aside though….who gives a fuck if faggots get married? Just look at the stupid arguments for wanting to ban gay marriage.

We need to keep marriage pure.

This is an especially stupid argument. I don’t want to even begin to try to describe the things I do with my future wife in the bedroom, but I can guarantee you that making a vow to God on an alter doesn’t make them pure.

God doesn’t like gays.  So what? He doesn’t like you in all probability either. In fact, his master plan is to allow a demon from hell to take over the earth and butcher the group of people that worship him so he can send his son in to save them all. I mean, really think about that. If a firefighter set fire to a house so he could then go in to rescue the people in it, he would be thrown in prison for the rest of life. Then, the same people who claim to be Christians would say, “Give that fucker the death penalty.”

I don’t want my kids exposed to gay couples making out and holding hands in the street. So fucking what, you glistening ebony tool! I don’t want my kids to have to see fat straight people walking in the street stuffing their mouth full of food  in the sweltering summer heat. Unfortunately, they have a fundamental right to be disgusting fucks and so do queers. Tell your kids to stop being pussies, their life is gonna be full of way worse shit then two members of the same sex making out on the street!

Finally my favorite argument of all,

If you legalize gay marriage, thus changing the definition of marriage, what is stopping somebody from marrying a pig, or a goat? 

Nothing. Nothing at all. Who gives a shit about that either? Oh, whats that? You want to try to make some moral argument that marrying and fucking a pig is wrong and disgusting? That is because you are stupid! I have personally shot in the face and gutted pretty much every kind of animal that exists and I can personally tell you that all of them would much rather be raped by Bubba in a wedding dress then to have their balls cut off in a slaughter house with no sedative. They would probably prefer it to being hung upside down while still alive and having their throat cuts in front of their families too, all so that the meat can get to you and your family, and your kid can bitch that he doesn’t want to eat your freshly made awesome pork chop so you throw the fucking shit away anyhow.  Go fuck a horse, a cow, a sheep, a goddamn gopher. I don’t care. Put little dresses on them and get married to them. Fuck animals! Silly bastards are only useful to me for eating and shooting anyway.

I don’t ever want to hear from anybody ever again that people who commit bestiality should go to jail, while these same people consume assassinated animal flesh like it is going out of style.  Fucking hypocrites.

Eat your meat, fuck your meat, fuck a dude, I don’t give a shit what you assholes do. You all make me physically ill.

Childrens Books I Am Working On

I am so sick and tired of the garbage that passes for children’s books these days. You know what I am talking about- bullshit books like “How Howie the Hog Got Over His Bad Mood.” Fuck you and your mood, Howie the Hog. You can eat my ass! When a little kid is in a bad mood every parent on the planet knows the appropriate response!

Works like a charm every time.

I decided that I am going to write my own book series about a kid named “Ass Kicker Jack.” Ass Kicker Jack has ass kicking parents that don’t turn poor Jack into a 21st century girly boy that crosses his legs in skinny jeans. No fucking way! Jack’s parents teach ol’ Jack how to not take shit from the establishment, and to handle his problems like a real man, not a little whiny bitch!

Book 1: “Ass Kicker Jack and the Bully.”

Jack doesn’t reason with bullies. Jack doesn’t tell his teachers about bullies. Jack doesn’t get a machine gun from his house and shoot up a school because he was bullied. Here is what Jack does to bullies:

This is how Jack handles bullies.

There needs to be more books about how to really handle the bully thing. I remember being bullied one day and telling my Dad, “Dad this mean kid at the bus stop keeps hitting me.” My Dad’s response was- “Well kick his fucking ass between his shoulders.” Yup, my Dad was cool.

Book 2: “Ass Kicker Jack Fucks His Teacher, and Doesn’t Tell Anybody.”

I get especially upset when I see stories of some 15 or 16 year old kid turning in their teacher after they have sex with them. These kids should be punched in the face. They aren’t traumatized! They don’t go home after getting a BJ from Mrs. Smith and cry into their pillow. Yet these poor women have to go to actual prison and face real rape, and real pain.

Well, Jack sees it the same way I do. He may bang the crap out of his hot ass 35 year old teacher, but he ain’t tellin’ nobody! He will show your little mistake how they can be a real man and not destroy some poor bimbo’s life for giving him the one thing that will actually let him focus on his math problems for at least fifteen minutes.

Book 3: “Ass Kicker Jack Gets an F and Deals With It”.

Jack got an F because he is an idiot.

See that? When you are a dumbass, you get F’s. All kinds of parents out there think their kids are too smart to get F’s, so it must be the teacher’s fault. Well Jack has news for you- one in two kids is a complete babbling moron who deserves the F. Seriously, if you can’t get through the material they teach at the grade school or even high school level and get an F, you probably deserve it.

In this book you can see the exciting adventure of Jack as he gets a big, fat, red, capital F on his paper and then goes home and owns up to it. Jack doesn’t blame his teachers, or his peers, or his hormones- only himself. Read all about his father’s epic “I am disappointed in you Jack, are you some kind of moron?” speech, while he tears poor Jack’s hide with a tongue lashing that almost leaves marks.

Book 4: “Ass Kicker Jack Beats the Crap Out of the Goth Kids.”

Jack says "No Columbine at my school, asshole!"

Read the compelling story of Jack at his most intolerant. Jack doesn’t understand kids that cut themselves, worship Satin, wear makeup, yet can’t hold their liquor. These qualities make Jack and his tight click of jock winners mad for reasons they have trouble articulating.

Jack and his friends will explore in this book the many ways these kids should be horribly beaten, trash canned, and generally slapped around. I know it may make some out there feel better to know that Jack ends up a gas station attendant while the goth kid goes on to write a computer program that makes him millions, but that isn’t what happens. The goth kid lands a job at hot topic where soon after he is committed for attempted suicide, even though he cut his wrists the wrong way on purpose as a “cry for help.” Jack, on the other hand, leads his football team to victory during the big game, and gets a sports contract. 20 years later he is still on Wheaties boxes and made a successful bid for Congress.

All books will be available for $100 us for hardcover [After all, I can charge what I want. Jack’s exploits are worth it.]  I guarantee after a few readings your son will know how to walk around not being a total pussy, and will burn all of his “Gregory the Gay Goat” books immediately.