What the fuck happened to our cartoons?

When I was growing up cartoons kicked ass! Violence, terrorism, superpowers, thwarting evil, these were just some of the kick ass things that used to be in the awesome cartoons I grew up with.

Now, sadly I see the shit my kids watch and want to puke. Not only are the old cartoons coming back in shitty remakes, but now villains have back stories and heroes try to psycho-analyze them.

Cartoon villains don’t need elaborate FUCKING BACK-STORIES! They have one job and one job only- that is to set up elaborate, easily escapable traps , while revealing their plot to a hero, as they are intermittently laughing hysterically.

Take a look at this:

I am Lion-o leader of the Thundercats.

That’s right the Thundercats,  these human-feline things would roll around Thundara and kick the holy shit out of a dude named Mumm-ra! Sure the animation was choppy and the lip syncing wasn’t perfect, but when Lion-o called out to the Thundercats with the Sword of Omens, followed by a made up on the spot theme song that stated emphatically that Thundercats were on the loose, something was gonna get fucked up.

What’s unbelievable is that they remade this amazingly shitty cartoon, with something even shittier:

Meet the new Lion-o, leader of the thunderfags.

That’s right, A brand new Lion-O to bring the Thundercats into the 21st century. New Lion-O comes with a punk rock hair-do, gnarly sideburns, and an emo attitude that is sure to get your already pot smoking kids to cut themselves as a form of expression in no time.

New Thundercats is less about the Mumm-ra ass-whipping, and more about poor gay Lion-O up there who recently lost his old man [who was  bigoted against the lizard people who are just misunderstood] and his self discovery on his journey to do stuff.

Along the way he is constantly making crappy decisions which are backed up by a jealous brother, and some broad with a nice rack! Way to go Emo-lion-O, I will be sure to have my kids watch all of your bad decision making episodes!

This is isn’t the first time something as cheesily awesome as Thundercats got fucked up! They replaced Voltron with Power Rangers, which is such an abortion it needs it’s own page.

Lets look at some cartoons we all knew were stupid when they were on but watched anyways because we didn’t have cable, and I will show what kind of remakes we should have.

1.

This show sucked so bad when I was a kid I remember turning it to the OJ Simpson trial to avoid watching it.

Lets replace it with,

Evil demon, Satin worshiping Smurfs. Who sold their souls to the devil for the power to kill Gargamel!

2.

Dashing and daring, courageous and caring. We all remember these drunks who sprinkled crack into their beer and bounced around like a tweaker in a padded cell.

Lets replace it with,

"Stand in a circle and stare at a dead body, bears" This would be just as entertaining as the original, maybe even more so, since there would actually be a plot I could follow.

Stop taking the good cartoons and fucking them up. Take the shitty ones nobody cares about. That said, I will leave you with the finest 80’s cartoon intro of all time.

When your horse can turn into a man with hooves, bust out a laser gun and shoot somebody, you have my vote for awesome cartoon!

Questions I Have For Gay Men

The gay agenda is very strange to me. For some reason, gays and lesbians feel the strong need to prove to everybody that there is scientific data proving that their gayness is genetic instead of a choice.

I would buy that [I mean who would want to go through life as a queer by choice?] except that I notice scientists never ask the right questions. They busy themselves with trying to find “Gay Genes” or “Homosexuality in nature” instead of asking questions every straight man would love to ask a gay man, but has been too cowed by political correctness to do so.

Luckily, I don’t give a damn what gays think about what I say, so I will ask those questions for the rest of you gutless fucks!

We all constantly hear that gay men are born that way. Ok. I will assume that they aren’t lying and were indeed born that way. So then maybe they can answer these simple questions.

1. What’s with the fucking lisp?

I don’t understand this at all. What does being attracted to other men have to do with lisping? If you fall under the “I am a woman trapped in a man’s body” category, ok, fair enough. I have dated well over 30 women. I was raised in a house full of women, I talk to women all the time. They don’t fucking lisp! In fact the only woman I ever knew who lisped had a speech problem. Since it would be a logical abortion to believe that almost every gay man on the planet has a speech impediment, this leads me to believe that what is really going on is this:

The lisp is there just in case we aren't wearing these shirts. So that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we do indeed dig the penis.

2. Why the fuck do gay men cross their legs when they sit?

This is another one of those things I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around. I understand the point of course. A woman crosses her legs when she sits, and since you are a woman trapped in man’s body, you do too. Ok, fair enough. The logical stupidity of this should be obvious to all, though. A woman crosses her legs to hide her vagina when she wears dresses and skirts. Gay men cross their legs while wearing skinny jeans and crush their own balls for no reason. Does being a woman trapped in a man’s body somehow require you to sit in the most uncomfortable position for a man that is humanly possible? Just in case you were wondering what I thought the real agenda of this is, I will tell you.

In case the lisp didn't let you know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am gay. This will.

3. What’s with the soft voice?

So again, I get it. Women have soft voices, so you want to make your voice soft. The problem I have is that women don’t pretend they have soft voices, they just do. How does pretending to have a soft voice make you more feminine? This makes no sense at all.  Also if you are a gay man who is in to feminine men, why not just go get a woman? These questions baffle me.

4. We just want to be ourselves, we were born this way!

Ok, as shown in the above examples how are you being yourself? It seems like what you are doing is adapting traits that other people have so that everybody you meet in life will know beyond all doubt that you are gay. What is the point of shoving your gayness down everybody’s throat? [yes that pun was intended] Is it really advancing your agenda, or just making straight men that wouldn’t normally give a shit that you pound pud at home think that you are a bunch of silly, conformist, fuckheads that we don’t want to be around?!

5. Whats with the pink?

So whenever I see the gay banner there is a rainbow on it. A rainbow is every color, so why did you settle on pink? I would normally think you wear it to look more girly, but most women I know hate the fucking color pink. So once again I must assume,

Just in case the lisp, and the crossed legs, didn't let you know...I am indeed gay!

In closing let me say this:

I don’t give a fuck if you are gay. Who you fuck is your business and none of mine. If a gay man came to my house for a bbq I would be fine with it. Unless he shows up in a pink shirt, asks for his cheeseburger by calling it a “chisbergur,” and then sits cross legged to eat it. If that happens you get punched. Them are the rules. You know what? you would deserve it too!

Twilight is Fucking Gay!

I have some serious questions about this “Twilight” thing. Who gave this bitch Stephanie whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is the right to change vampire lore  [which is awesome and didn’t need help] into these little emo faggots? The only thing these guys terrorize is Hot Topic, and skinny jean retailers across the country! She didn’t just fuck with vampires, she fucked with werewolves too! What the hell is wrong with this bitch?

1. How come vampires no longer melt in the sunlight? Now they…

Sparkle!

Why? What the fuck is the point of this? Is that supposed to be fairy dust or something? [that is the only explanation I have for it] Does sprinkling this vampire fairy dust on people also make them into gay vampires? How come when they go in the sunlight they don’t just become rainbow striped? Do women really like this shit? No wonder you couldn’t vote!

2. According to twilight lore this asshole above is over a hundred years old! What the fuck could he possibly have in common with a 17 year old girl? He is either the dullest motherfucker on earth, or a PEDOPHILE! Probably both.

I mean, really? This guy was born in 1901 in Chicago! The guy grew up in gangster society! He would probably be racist as fuck, and sexist as hell. The first time this Bella broad said “No Edward, I want to see this movie,” His born in 1901 ass would backhand her across the mouth and say something like “NA! SEEEE! We’re gonna watch what I want to watch, SEEE! No more lip outta you or ol’ knuckles here willl smack ya again, SEEEEE!”

To make matters worse, this Stephanie broad went and made werewolves- who are also cool as hell [mainly because that’s the one role Jack Nicholson played that Heath Ledger never would have been able to] into gay Indian trailer trash that have never heard of the word shirt!

Ya a pack of reservation Indians..notice anything missing?

If you said a bartender, you are right! In realty these “Werewolves” would be too busy spending their government checks at the local bar, getting shit faced drunk, and beating their women to ever have a war with vampires! Either that, or they would be too busy sitting in their condos counting their money they made off of their casino to even worry about it! These don’t really look like the “Casino owning type” of Indian though wouldn’t you agree?

The other big problem here is that these “Werewolves” don’t even turn into werewolves. They turn into giant wolves. What the fuck? It is probably the most unoriginal thing I have ever heard of in my life! This is what a werewolf looks like!

Go Go Gadget Scary!

Not this pile of shit!

Run away vampires, or else!

I think they needed to have four legs so they could run to the bar faster! Or maybe to run from the cops quicker? You decide.

Another interesting plot point to these go-in-a-christmas-stocking puppy “werewolves” is the fact that they all have different colored fur….yet they all have the same human hair. You know the kind of hair I mean, the mix between Mexican grease ball, Italian, and wifebeater-wearer. Just look at the picture.

Of course I know where this broad who wrote these books got the idea. I have seen it before. Somebody who was an actual writer made these creatures up long ago in an actual epic called “The Lord of the Rings.”

They are called Wargs! Hell of a lot scarier than twilight "Werewolves" too, aren't they?

Typical women, ripping off a man’s brilliant idea and then repackaging it as dog shit that smells nice to other women!

Then we have the main character, who is obviously a fucking idiot.

I'm so confused.

This chick has serious problems. On the one hand she can’t seem to decide if she is into bestiality, and red rockets! Or, if she wants to screw a dude who’s dick feels like it was soaked in ice cubes……the choices the choices?

She is a pathological liar. She lies to her father and mother about everything, lies to one of the monsters she is in “love” with about the other, and she cheats on them with each other!

She has no reasoning skills at all! She has trouble deciding if she wants to spend the rest of her life as an undead, blood-sucking parasite living with other parasites who murder people and eat them as a rule; or she can do the dirty with a giant dog, and live the rest of her life on an Indian reservation with a bunch of shirtless thugs! Of course she could just be with a normal human being….I guess in today’s world though, women need more than that!

They need to fuck giant dogs, and suck corpse cock to get a thrill, I guess.

To all teenage women that like this shit…THIS IS WHY NOBODY LIKES YOU! The only thing worse than a teenage girl who likes Twilight is SATAN! That is a scientific fact.

So the rules have changed, people. We can now take Lore everybody has known their whole lives and change it to whatever the fuck we want! I for one think we should make a Leprechaun-Unicorn hybrid, and call it a UNICHAUN! It can run around spear horning people at the end of the fucking rainbow who come after it’s gold! If you are lucky enough to catch a Unichaun, instead of a pot of gold you will get a steaming pile of Unichaun shit! Don’t worry, it will smell nice so you can sell it to hapless, female, teenage idiots and make money. A Unichaun’s only weakness is a straight man, who thinks that vampires that sparkle are gay!

If somebody can send me a decent drawing of a Unichaun I would love to post it up here. Who knows maybe you can take the idea and sell it. Obviously these people will buy anything.

!