Veganism and Vagisil: Why They Go Together

Let me start off by saying that I do not hate vegetarians. I don’t. Really, I despise them!

Even though there is a literal mountain of evidence supporting the fact that they are complete buffoons and morons, still they persist in trying to shove their supposed moral high ground down the throats of meat-eating ass kickers, such as myself.

I figured today I would give a logical breakdown of why Vegans are not only stupid, but pussies.

This article is not aimed at women. Everybody knows that women are overly emotional and think that their little yipper, ankle biting poodles are their kids to be put in sweaters and toted in purses. So women- don’t even bother commenting. Your opinions are not wanted on this article. Nobody would take what you had to say on the subject seriously anyways.

No, this article is targeting men. Especially the men that actually buy into this Vegan way of life.

First lets do the logical breakdown. Men can usually follow that. Are you ready? Good!

= FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Here is the mathematical formula:

Steak+Stomach=Full

Steak+Broccoli+Stomach=Full

Steak+Other meats=Full

Vegetables-Steak=Not Full

Man+Steak+Beer=Ass Kicker

Man+Vegetables-Steak=Pussy

You can check my carefully constructed calculations all you want, but you will find they always come out to be the same answers. Let me break down why that is.

Below is a video of Robb Wolf, a very accomplished writer, speaker, and scientist. You will see him kill an elk with a primitive weapon resembling a spear called an Atlatl while dressed in cave man attire.  Perhaps the first man in thousands of years to do so.

Watching this video made me want to do these things in this order,

Why, you ask? Because it reminded me what I am. A FUCKING MAN!!! Real men eat vegetables- no doubt about it. They eat lettuce on their burger, mushrooms on their steaks, tomato in their beef stew. Real men do not EAT VEGETABLES as their primary source of nourishment, ever!

Men have forgotten what they are. Too many men have let women’s pathetic animal worshiping cults like PETA convince them to stop being what they have always been, ANIMAL ASSASSINS!

That’s right, I said it. Be what you were made to be. Men love killing animals. They think it is awesome.  You know what else? They are right. If animals were worth anything more than a piece of meat on my fucking plate, they would have invented gunpowder, not the other way around.

Men have been assassinating and eating the flesh of animals since the dawn of time.  What happened after Robb killed the elk? A BIG PARTY! Why, you ask? Because the men were happy in their recent exploits to assassinate an Elk that dared to think it was superior. That’s right, superior. Did you see the size of that Elk gang, prancing around in the field and ravaging the countryside? The men of the group knew on instinct that these 500 pound land destroying monsters had to be stopped. One hero, half the size of even one of these leviathans bravely faced down hundreds of them, and with the manliest of manly throws took down one of these knife horned beasts! After he skillfully assassinated the behemoth he pulled out a sharpened rock, cut the damned thing open and ate its heart as a warning to all the other Elk in the region that their reign of terror was over. So manly was h,e in fact, that he even shared the meat with the women of the group- in return for no sex! Something I certainly could never do.

Sadly though, one of the women (obviously a part of the previously mentioned animal worshiping cults) refused even one bite of the meat. If only it was a real caveman experiment I’m sure the men of the group would have clubbed her, fucked her, and ate her share anyway. Maybe even ate her.

That is what men do. They kick ass! They don’t take shit! They eat meat. I don’t need science to tell me eating meat is good for me. I know it already. I had Fred Flintstone telling me all about it when I was a kid. Anybody remember Fred Flintstone? He was the manliest of men who ever lived. Let’s see what his dinner looked like.

Fred had it all. A hot skinny wife, a beautiful daughter, a good job, and a pro bowling team. You didn’t see Fred eating giant prehistoric plants did you? No way buddy! Meat all the way.

In closing Vegan males are all pussies. To prove this I am issuing the $250 dollar challenge. If there are any men in the Michigan area who have been on a vegetarian diet for ten years or longer, I will meet you in a professional cage fight. If you win I will give you $250 dollars and an apology. Hopefully you will be strong enough to hold  open the door to the arena. By the way, I never work out and I am about 175 pounds. I promise you my manliness will destroy you long before my fists even touch your weak Vegan face.

Put your money where your mouths are, you weak Vegan sissy boys. I am waiting. If not, then just shut up about your morally superior lifestyle. I promise I will beat it right out of you! Because my balls are as big as the DEATHSTAR! You, on the other hand, complain and whine if Bambi gets shot in the head, take vitamins to offset the the lack of meat, and have sex with women who have armpit hair. All of these things make me question if you even have testicles.  I really hope somebody contacts me soon. I reallllly want to kick some vegan ass!